TTCG Train of Thoughts 2: Procrastination

To whom this may concern,

Greetings. I hope this post finds you well. (Who am I even talking to?)

Last night I was scrolling through TikTok and stumbled upon a post on the psychology of procrastination. The video told me what I needed to hear, and reassured me on my actions as a certified procrastinator ever since I was in grade school. They said that procrastination is NOT a time management issue, but instead a coping mechanism we do to avoid certain tasks and the emotions it brings up on us. When I chose not to do an assignment earlier, I realized that I avoided it because it made me feel stupid due to its difficulty, or it made me feel anxious for how overwhelming the material I had to analyze was. The video went on to give the viewer some tips on how to help overcome this: you first need to acknowledge WHAT EMOTION you are avoiding and WHY you are avoiding said emotion, then go on to mingle your work process with things you can do to help lessen dealing with the negative feelings.

Being someone who struggled with the high expectations of the people around, I usually did things to revel against them, partly to make my self feel better in the process as well. Subconsciously, though, I felt like I developed some kind of complex where I feel like I could do ANYTHING at any given time, and most of the times, I was right -- I COULD pass this project on time! Sometimes there were projects I did only hours before I had to pass them, or intentionally handed them even after the deadline because I knew that the worst I had to do was send an email of apology and get a -10. I held with this attitude for a big portion of my academic journey. It is not like I wanted to fail, I just attributed it to me not being "inspired" enough to do stuff. At one point in my fifth year in university as an architecture student, my best friends and thesis mates even confronted me on my irresponsibility, and I told them that I was too busy -- a perfect excuse since I was part of the university government body that time. In reality, I was dealing with high levels of anxiety and fear. I remember crying for no particular reason while walking down the hallways of my school, and a friend comforting me asking me for a reason I could not even comprehend. It was a very low point of my life, and if it weren't for my college friends, professors, and family, I would not have survived it sanely.

After graduating, I learned to control my work ethic by focusing on motivating myself through my lifetime goals. As I got employed, this wave of excitement started filling me again, and I felt like had a purpose. The first months of my job were great. I got to be a site architect and have a semi-flexible work schedule. My architect taught me to have my own decisions and basically made me in-charge of the projects he assigned me on. I had a decent enough salary for an intern, and I got bonuses on holidays, which in turn, distracted me from taking any rest. I started accepting extra responsibilities outside of work so I could hopefully earn and learn more, but it also weighed me down gradually. Due to working on a somewhat remote part of Alfonso, Cavite, I was isolated. I enjoyed hanging out with my workers and immersed myself into their world, yet I still felt socially drained. I started slumping on work, making mistakes along the way, and eventually reaching a point where I was so done with my life. I have special people that I relied on, but they could only help with my situation so much. Reflecting on it now, my behavior was the one to blame. I thought that working endlessly would distract me from the curse of procrastination, but it only made me less productive and more anxious. I began to loathe my job and my self. I couldn't break my cycle. I resigned on the April of 2020 because of the pandemic causing a nation-wide quarantine. It was a well-needed break for my mind, and it pulled me out of a deep hole. I told myself that maybe this was what I needed: REST. I was also pressured into reviewing for the incoming architectural board exams, but as they drew near, they were postponed (twice, by the way) due to the precarious circumstances.

Now, reflecting on my journey, and seeing the video really opened my eyes and broadened my understanding on what I needed to accomplish. At first I was a bit skeptical and frankly in denial, but I guess I had to watch out for myself. Lately, I have been doing some self-meditation through YouTube videos just to calm my mind and re-center my energy on the things that I should be prioritizing. It also helps to list down your chores and to-do's, so that you would have a checklist, which I personally find satisfying crossing out at the end of the day. The most important thing though is channeling my art and music side to deal with my emotions.

You will get through this. You always have!

Sincerely yours,

Bryan